The Best Little Institute in Bayville Act II
by Cygna Vamp
Summary: Takes up where TBLIiB left off. More Songs! More Togue! More Stryker! (Boo, Hiss!)


The Best Little Institute in Bayville Act II  
  
"Rogue," Todd gasped. "I wanna kiss you in the worst way."  
  
"Well, I knew there was a reason I brought this." She took off the black and white polka-dotted scarf she had been wearing and gently covered his mouth with it."  
  
"Hellyeah!" said Jubilee. "This is gonna be good!"  
  
"J-Jubilee," Kitty stamered. "Y-your shaking the branch!" She grabbed onto Kelly.  
  
"Oh shit!" Kelly spat as she scratched herself against the bark. The branch broke under them.  
  
"You hear something?" asked Todd.  
  
"Not a thing." she said, pretending she didn't just hear her voyeuristic friends crash to the ground. She pressed her lips against the silk barrier. She felt his hands grasp her hips. She stroked his back and ran her gloved hands through his hair. When they broke it off, they looked at each other. They were both flustered, but happy.  
  
Todd was still flushed over the kiss. He wondered if she knew it had been his first kiss. "Um, sorry that I didn't turn into a prince or anything." he joked.  
  
"Todd, to me you are a prince."  
  
"Kiss me again, Marie."  
  
"Did you have to say the S word, Kelly?" Kitty griped, as she rubbed spots that were sore from the fall.   
  
"I'm sorry! I just forgot!" Kelly apologized.  
  
"I wanted to see them make out!" Jubilee whined.  
  
They heard a small thump just around the corner. Todd had leapt to the ground with Rogue in his arms. He sat her on her feet. "Good night, Marie." he said.   
  
"Good night, Todd." She kissed the top of his head.  
  
"You didn't need to..."  
  
"Hair's mostly dead cells. It's not affected by my touch."  
  
"You sure? I'm feelin' kinda dizzy."  
  
"Trust me, if I'd sapped you, I woulda known."  
  
"Tomorrow, at the mall..."  
  
"Around 2. I'll see you then."  
  
"Good night."  
  
"You already said that, Romeo!"  
  
He had her lean down so he could kiss the top of her head. He gave her a wave and leaped off into the night. Rogue smiled and touched the spot on her head where he kissed her. She turned to see Kelly, Kitty and Jubilee looking a little worse for the wear, but also a little smug.  
  
"So," said Jubilee. "Fill us in on all the gory details."  
  
"I ain't tellin' you shit." Rogue said matter of factly. "It ain't any of ya'll's business and you deserved to fall out of that tree for spyin' on us!"  
  
"By the by," said Jubilee. "I'm the one who made the glitter rain back there."  
  
"So, Marie is it?" said Kitty. "I knew you had a real name."  
  
"Keep callin' me Rogue, thank you." she started walking home. The others followed.  
  
"You told him your name." said Kitty, trying to keep up with her. "You must really love him."  
  
"Shut up, I ain't in love."  
  
"Nothin' wrong with it." said Jubilee. "I know I said he was freaky, but if he makes you happy, that's all that matters."  
  
"I said I ain't in love. Knock it off."  
  
"The lady doth protest to much." Kelly teased. "C'mon, Rogue, what's so bad about being in love?"  
  
Rogue stopped in her tracks. "You really wanna know? OK, the first boy I kissed is still in a coma. I used to have the biggest crush on Scott, but he barely acknowledged my existance. Remy treats me like some horse he can put in a corral when he has to take off and assumes I'll be waiting for him when he gets back. Pietro gets all pissy that he can't touch me."  
  
"Reality check." said Jubilee. "None of those boys are Toad."  
  
"His name's Todd."  
  
"Oh," said Kelly. "Rising to your boyfriend's defence."  
  
"He ain't my boyfriend, he's..." Rogue sighed and sang "I Won't Say I'm in Love" from Hercules. (A/N: yeah, I know. I didn't have to change the lyrics for this one either.)  
  
ROGUE:  
  
If there's a prize for rotten judgement  
  
I guess I've already won that  
  
No man is worth the aggravation  
  
That's ancient history, been there, done that!  
  
KELLY, KITTY and JUBILEE:  
  
Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'?  
  
He's the Earth and Heaven to you  
  
Try to keep it hidden  
  
Honey, we can see right through you  
  
Girl, ya can't conceal it  
  
We know how ya feel it  
  
And who you're thinking of  
  
ROGUE:  
  
No chance, no way  
  
I won't say it, no, no  
  
K,K&J:  
  
You swoon, you sigh,  
  
why deny it, uh-oh  
  
ROGUE:  
  
It's to cliche  
  
I won't say I'm in love  
  
I though my heart had learned its lesson  
  
It feels so good when you start out  
  
My head is screaming 'Get a grip, girl  
  
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out.'  
  
K,K&J:  
  
You keep on denying  
  
Who you are and how you're feeling  
  
Baby, we're not buying  
  
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling  
  
Face it like a grown up  
  
When ya gonna own up  
  
That ya got, got, got it bad  
  
ROGUE:  
  
No chance, no way  
  
I won't say it, no, no  
  
K,K&J:  
  
Give up, give in  
  
Check the grin, you're in love  
  
ROGUE:  
  
This scene won't play  
  
I won't say I'm in love  
  
K,K&J:  
  
You're doin' flips, read our lips  
  
You're in love  
  
ROGUE:  
  
You're way off base  
  
I won't say it  
  
Get off my case  
  
I won't say it  
  
K,K&J:  
  
Girl, don't be proud  
  
It's OK, you're in love  
  
ROGUE:  
  
Oh, at least, out loud,  
  
I won't say I'm in love.  
  
The next day at the boardinghouse, Lance came downstairs to see Todd coming his hair in front of a mirror with a sappy grin on his face and humming an odd tune. "Whatcha doin'?" asked Lance.  
  
Todd shrugged. "Just straightening my hair. I'm thinking of taking a shower." The Brotherhood did a double take. Todd Tolensky, taking a shower, for the second time in two days?  
  
"Man," said Pietro. "What's Wanda done to him?"  
  
"Wanda?" Todd responded. "Who's Wanda?"  
  
"Maybe he's just gettin' dolled up for us." Fred joked. "Thanks, Todd."  
  
Todd turned and said "Lance, Fred, Pietro, my adorable friends, can you keep a secret?"  
  
"Uh, sure, I guess." said Lance.  
  
Todd smiled. He knew right then that this was a secret best kept to himself. "No, I won't tell you." he teased and started up the stairs, passing Tabby on the way.  
  
"What?" Lance followed. Todd was acting weird and he wanted to know why.  
  
"The poor guy is out of his mind." said Pietro.  
  
"I am," Todd said, "Crazy."  
  
"He might be at that." said Fred. "He does look somehow different."  
  
"I do?" Todd hadn't noticed it himself, but he was radiating happiness.  
  
"I think he's up to something." said Tabby.  
  
"I am?" Todd pretended to be hurt.  
  
"I do, I am." Tabby mocked. "He talks like a parrot!"  
  
"What's goin' on with you Tolensky?" Lance demanded.  
  
Todd went into the bathroom, closed the door, got ready for his shower and sang a song to the tune of "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story.  
  
TODD:  
  
I feel slimy, oh so slimy  
  
I feel slimy and grimy, don't laugh  
  
Don't deny me  
  
For I'm really in need of a bath  
  
I was stinky, oh so stinky  
  
It was kinky how stinky I smelt  
  
But finally  
  
To me a decent hand has been dealt  
  
See the handsome toad in the mirror there?  
  
Who can that attractive toad be?  
  
Such a handsome face  
  
Such a handsome 'do  
  
Such a handsome smile  
  
Such a handsome me  
  
In the shower I get soapy  
  
I feel dopey, it makes my toes curl  
  
For I'm in love  
  
With a pretty wonderful girl!  
  
LANCE:  
  
Have you met my good friend Tolensky?  
  
BROTHERHOOD:  
  
The craziest toad on the block!  
  
LANCE (sneaks into bathroom)  
  
You'll know him the minute you see him  
  
BROTHERHOOD:  
  
He's the one who is in an advanced state of shock!  
  
(Lance flushes the toilet. Todd screams as the water suddenly goes scalding hot. He turns off the shower, grabs a towel and comes out with it wrapped around him. He goes to the mirror and starts brushing his teeth as the rest of the Brotherhood sings.)  
  
He thinks he's in love, practices hygiene  
  
But he can't be in love, he's only 16  
  
LANCE:  
  
It must be the heat  
  
PIETRO:  
  
Or some rare disease  
  
FRED:  
  
Or too much to eat  
  
TABBY:  
  
Or maybe it's fleas  
  
BROTHERHOOD:  
  
Keep away from him, send for Magneto  
  
This is not the Tolensky we know  
  
(As they sing, Todd goes to his room, opens his closet. The door obscures his view, but it's obvious he's getting dressed.)  
  
Boorish and rude, a cold blooded putz  
  
Dirty and crude, and completly nuts!  
  
(Todd comes out wearing jeans-with no holes in them, a mostly clean T-shirt and a flannel overshirt.)  
  
TODD (Spoken)  
  
Don't talk about me like that! I got my right mind.  
  
TABBY (Spoken)  
  
Woo hoo! Check out Mr. Universe!  
  
LANCE (Spoken)  
  
Give us a speech, Mr. Universe!  
  
TODD:  
  
I am feeling, yes I'm feeling  
  
I am reeling from these feelings I sense  
  
For I'm feeling  
  
That this toad has become a prince  
  
BROTHERHOOD:  
  
la la la la la la la la!  
  
TODD:  
  
I feel dizzy, I feel sunny  
  
I feel fizzy and funny and fine  
  
I can't believe  
  
That this happiness is really mine  
  
BROTHERHOOD:  
  
la la la la la la la la!  
  
TODD:  
  
See the handsome toad in that mirror there?  
  
FRED:  
  
What mirror, where?  
  
TODD:  
  
Who can that attractive toad be?  
  
BROTHERHOOD:  
  
Which toad, where, who?  
  
TABBY:  
  
Such a handsome face  
  
Such a handsome 'do  
  
Such a handsome smile  
  
TODD:  
  
Such a handsome me!  
  
My heart's thrumming without stopping  
  
Feel like running and hopping 'till I hurl  
  
For I'm in love  
  
With a pretty wonderful girl!  
  
As soon as the song cue was over, Todd dashed out the front door. Lance heard the sound of a familiar engine revving up. "Hey! That little bastard's stealing my jeep!"  
  
"The little bastard has a good singing voice too." said Tabby. "Who'd'a thunk it?"  
  
"Uh," said Fred, "Why are we all singing?"  
  
She was waiting there. At the front facade of Bayville Mall. She was wearing tight black jeans, green see-through top over a black tank and the polka dotted scarf from the previous night. Todd parked the jeep and used every bit of self-control he had not to leap across the lot and into her arms. He quickly walked over to her and embraced her. She returned the hug. "Marie," he went into the deep pocket of his overshirt. "I, uh, brought you your socks back."  
  
"You can keep 'em." she said with a smile.   
  
"Thanks." He remembered watching her take them off. Seeing her bare calves had almost made him forget about the pain in his foot. Even her feet were sort of cute. He was trying to figure out how to get her to show him her legs again when she said "Anywhere you wanna go?"  
  
"Huh?" He hadn't realized she had taken his hand and led him inside the mall.  
  
"There's this place called Afterthoughts I wanna check out." she said.  
  
Afterthoughts turned out to be a store selling only accessories. "This place is so damned girly." Todd grumbled.  
  
"I'm getting something for both of us." she said. She bought a few scarves and the thinnest satin gloves she could find. They had coffee together in the plaza. "So here's what I'm thinkin'," said Rogue. "The Coyote is always chasin' the Road-Runner. But why? I useta think it was 'cuz he wanted to eat him, but most of his traps would make the bird inedible."  
  
"I guess after a while," said Todd. "It stopped bein' predatory and became a vendetta. He just wanted that damned bird dead." Rogue laughed. I'm on a date with a pretty girl, he thought. And I made her laugh. "I saw you on Springer the other night. They shoulda let you kick that klansman's ass."  
  
"It's redneck bigot's like him that make the rest of the South look bad."  
  
"I- had a dream about you last night."  
  
"Umm...this ain't onea them dreams that end with you havin' to do laundry, is it?"  
  
"No." he blushed a bit. "I don't remember the details. Unless it was a nightmare, I seldom remember my dreams at all. All I can remember is you." Her satin sheathed hand touched his. "The moon in all it's splendor, the kiss so very tender, Marie, would you surrender..."  
  
"More poetry?"  
  
"Don't tell no one, Babycakes."  
  
"Only if you stop callin' me Babycakes."  
  
"Sugarlump?" he suggested. She made a face. "Dumpling?"  
  
"Todd, have you ever seen a dumpling? They're not cute."  
  
"OK, how 'bout I call you Angel?"  
  
"I ain't no angel. We both know that."  
  
"Maybe you are an angel and forgot."  
  
"OK, I hope you realize you're stealin' come-on lines from Phantom Menace."  
  
"Marie, you wanna go somewhere more-I dunno-private?"  
  
"Whatcha got in mind?"  
  
"Come with me."  
  
He led her to the McCartney Cinema just outside the mall. "I checked." she said. "There's nothin' playin' I really wanna see."  
  
Todd took her behind the theater. They went into a cement alcove by the back door.  
  
Todd took her hands. This is it. he thought. I'm putting my heart on the line, but I don't care. I have to tell her. "I love you, Marie." he said with eyes shut tightly.  
  
He felt the silk scarf brush against his lips, followed by the warmth of Rogue's kiss. "I love you, Todd."  
  
"No one has ever said that to me." Don't cry, don't cry, not here, not in front of her. Rogue held him close.   
  
"It's OK." she whispered. She slumped in a corner with Todd in her arms. He allowed himself a few quiet sobs in her arms as she stroked and cradled him. Rogue murmured to him as she went over in her head what she knew about Todd Tolensky. He was gentle, sensitve, wrote poems that he never shared with anybody, desperatly wanted to be liked, gave soft kisses and liked old Warner Brother's cartoons. And had never been loved. Rogue had some vague memories of a mother who tried to love her. She wondered about his family, where he came from, and decided to let him tell her when he was ready.   
  
"You smell nice." she said, sniffing his hair.  
  
For some reason, he tensed up. "Huh-wha?"  
  
"You smell nice. Know how it smells outside when it's been rainin'? That's what you smell like."  
  
"That-that's just me. I didn't swipe any of Lance's cologne this time. But I managed to swipe his jeep."  
  
She laughed. He laughed. "I'm laughin' and cryin' all at the same time." Todd realized. Rogue took a scarlet scarf out of her bag and laid it across Todd's neck. She kissed him on his pulse point, making him give out a squeak of pleasure.  
  
Meanwhile, Kelly, Kitty, Jubilee and Kurt were coming out of the theater. Kurt danced a tango with Kitty as they all sang "He had it comin', He had only himself to blame. If you'd'a been there, if you'd'a seen it, I betcha you woulda done the same!" Kurt liked dancing with Kitty. It gave him an excuse to put his arms around her and she would pass it off as his usual playfulness.   
  
"That was a great movie." said Kelly. "Don't think many of the boys will wanna see it, though.  
  
"I liked it." said Kurt.  
  
"Only because you spent the whole movie with your arms around me and Kelly." teased Kitty.  
  
"That's Kurt," joked Jubilee. "The resident ladies' man."  
  
Kurt laughed. The truth was, he had wanted to cuddle up to Kitty, but only allowed himself a friendly arm around the shoulders that he felt obliged to give to Kelly as well. They heard a sharp cry from behind the theater. It sounded like Rogue. Kurt turned off his image-inducer. Jubilee readied her sparks. They ran to what they thought would be her rescue. They found her lying on the ground, Todd on top of her. Kurt snatched him up and threw him against the wall, snarling at him.  
  
"Kurt, you put him down this minute!" Rogue said sharply. Kurt did so, but not gently.   
  
"It's cool." said Kitty. "They're, you know, together."  
  
"Sorry to interupt you." said Kelly, starting to walk away.   
  
"Hey, chica," Jubilee whispered to Rogue, digging in her pocket. "You're gonna need these more than I am." She gave Rogue a string of condoms. Rogue blushed at the gift. "Fill me in on the details later." She started to leave.  
  
"Like, come on, Kurt." Kitty pulled at his arm.  
  
"One moment." He sided up to Todd, gripped his shoulder and whispered in his ear "You break her heart, I break your neck. Understand?" Todd nodded. "Good." Kurt left with Kitty, as he fantasized about chopping off Todd's legs and frying them in garlic butter.  
  
"Well, that was awkward." said Todd. Rogue reached out her arms to him and suddenly stopped. "What is it?"  
  
"The Professor is calling me. I gotta go. If I hurry, I can get a ride with the others. She kissed the top of his head and grabbed her bags.  
  
"Take this with you." He took off his flannel overshirt and took the socks out of the pocket. "This way, I'll have something of yours and you'll have something of mine."  
  
She took the shirt, gave him one last embrace, and ran off, calling for her friends to wait up. They had heard Xavier's call too.  
  
All the mutants had gathered at the X Mansion. Jubilee was listening to the Chicago soundtrack on her CD player. "He had it comin'," she sang. "He took a flower in it's prime. First he used it, then he abused it! It was murder, but not a crime!"  
  
Kitty slipped a scarlet scarf out of Rogue's bag and put it around Kurt's neck, pretending to garrot him. "We broke up on artistic differences." she said. "He saw himself as alive, and I saw him dead." Kurt fell, playing dead.  
  
"That's a new look for you, Rogue." Rahne noticed Rogue was wearing the flannel overshirt.  
  
"Uh, yeah," she answered. "I'm tryin' out the new grunge-goth look."  
  
"If I may have your attention." said Xavier. "I have some news. One of the members of Stryker's choir is actually an old friend of mine acting as my spy. The insider just contacted me saying that Stryker will be here shortly with a camera crew to perform an expose' on the X Mansion. What this means is, we have to look as non-threatening as posible."  
  
"I get it." Kurt sighed as he turned on his inducer.  
  
"This goes for all of you!" said Xavier.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen," Stryker said into the camera. "I am approaching the den of inequity known as the X Mansion. My presence here could cause me to be attacked at a moment's notice. But I am not affraid for my safety, for I am doing the Lord's work! I will now ring the doorbell." He rang the doorbell. Logan answered.  
  
Logan forced a grin. "Hello, sir, how may I help you?"  
  
"Is this the residence of Charles Xavier? Proprieter of Xavier's School for the Gifted?"  
  
"Why, yes it is." he said through gritted teeth. "Why don't you come in?" Stryker came in with the camera crew. Stryker was bemused. He had expected someone to put up a fight, not invite him in. "This is Professor Xavier."  
  
Professor Xavier wheeled into the room and started a song cue to the tune of "It's a Little Bitty Pissant Country Place" from The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.  
  
XAVIER:  
  
It's just a little bitty New England Mansion, ain't nothing much to see  
  
No drinking allowed, we get a nice quiet crowd, plain as it can be  
  
It's just an unassuming old time country place, ain't nothing to hide at all  
  
Just lots of good will, and maybe one small thrill, but there's nothing dangerous going on  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
Nothing dangerous going on!  
  
XAVIER:  
  
We get lots of students  
  
Probably more than 10  
  
A few charming young men  
  
Young girls looking to fit in  
  
And we used to get a lot of trouble when Mystique came here to spy  
  
And the things would get a little rowdy, thank God she's gone bye-bye  
  
It's just a little bitty New England mansion, ain't nothing much to see  
  
No drinking allowed, we get a nice quiet crowd, plain as it can be  
  
It's just an unassuming old time country place, ain't nothing to hide at all  
  
Just lots of good will and maybe one small thrill, but there's nothing dangerous going on!  
  
Keep your language clean, kids, keep your bedroom's neat  
  
And don't hang around the town cafe and say "hi" on the street  
  
Mind your P's and Q's and manners, and you won't need any other tools  
  
Cause every kid who lives here knows my special no no rules  
  
STORM:  
  
Yes, every kid who lives here knows Xavier's no no rules!  
  
XAVIER:  
  
Kitty, start up!  
  
KITTY:  
  
Bed are not to be wallowed in, that's the kind of thing that big fat lazy hogs do!  
  
XAVIER:  
  
Exactly right!  
  
Jean!  
  
JEAN:  
  
I won't tolerate no tying up my telephone with other people's business  
  
XAVIER:  
  
Scott!  
  
SCOTT:  
  
And please don't show off your powers, no zapping everything in sight!  
  
XAVIER:  
  
It's downright tacky!  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
Shows are for dogs! And that ain't what we're keeping at Xavier's!  
  
XAVIER:  
  
Do you catch my drift?  
  
I pay the food and the rent and the utillities  
  
You keep your mind on your school responsibilities  
  
Don't let your mouth overload your capabilities  
  
And we can get along  
  
Kurt!  
  
KURT:  
  
Any bad habits you come in with, get rid of right now!  
  
XAVIER:  
  
Rogue!  
  
ROGUE:  
  
I can't stand no chewing gum, it looks just like a cow!  
  
XAVIER:  
  
Jamie!  
  
JAMIE:  
  
Any one taking sick leave better make real sure they're sick!  
  
XAVIER:  
  
And every time you hear my call  
  
*like this*  
  
You better get here double quick!  
  
LOGAN:  
  
And as for cops, cops are something you needn't worry 'bout if you stay withen the law  
  
(Takes off Jubilee's headphones) You listenin' to me?  
  
Keep the leaches and blood suckers off the back roads, I know how to use my claws  
  
And no one messes with my kids.  
  
And any questions you might have about the way Chuck runs this place  
  
Don't gripe and whine behind his back  
  
Just tell him face to face, he's open minded, say it all  
  
Then go upstairs and pack.  
  
The door's that way!  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
He pays the food and the rent and the utillities  
  
We keep our minds on our school responsibilities  
  
Don't let your mouth overload your capabilities  
  
XAVIER:  
  
And we can get along!  
  
(Somehow, he has acquired a large fan made of black feathers. He introduces himself to the camera crew.)  
  
Welcome to the X Mansion, Reverend Stryker. I'd like you to meet my kids!  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
(They gather around stairs and begin a dance number)  
  
It's, just, a... little bitty New England mansion, ain't nothing much to see  
  
No drinking allowed, we get a nice quiet crowd, plain as it can be  
  
It's just an unassuming old time country place, ain't nothing to hide at all  
  
Just lots of good will, and maybe one small thrill,  
  
Just lots of good will, and maybe one small thrill,  
  
Just lots of good will, and maybe one small thrill,  
  
But there's nothing dangerous going on!   
  
"I see." said Stryker. "Mr. Xavier, would you kindly tell me and my viewers what exactly it is you and these- children are doing here?"  
  
"I'd be delighted." Xavier replied. "At the Xavier Institute, we show young people with mutant abilities how to use their powers for the benefit of all mankind."  
  
"Benefit, you say?" Stryker questioned. "You are not then plotting to overthrow the world?"  
  
"Heavens, no. We want peaceful co-existance."  
  
"A promise of peace, but at what cost?"  
  
"I'm not sure what you mean."  
  
"You aren't here to promise humanity peace, but under the rule of your thumb?"  
  
"OK, interview's over, Bub." said Logan, having had all he could stomache. "Take yer cameras and get!"  
  
"It's all right, Logan." said Xavier.  
  
Stryker suddenly shrieked like a girl. "What_is_that?" He pointed at Lockheed, who had smelled a Twinkie in the Reverend's pocket and was sniffing it out.  
  
"Lockheed," said Kitty. "C'mere boy." Lockheed went to his mistress while Stryker shivered violently.  
  
"And he laid hold on the dragon," Stryker said in a quavering voice. "that old serpent, which is the Devil and Satan..."  
  
"All right, preacher man," said Logan. "You listen and you listen good you goddamned, sawed off son of a bitch!"  
  
"Logan," the Professor warned.  
  
"Kick his ass, Logan!" Jamie encouraged.  
  
"Don't you dare come in here, accusin' these kids of bein' anything less than what they are- just kids tryin' their damndest to fit in a world that don't want them! The last thing they need is some pecker-head, mealy mouthed fanatic tellin' them they're evil! If I catch you or any of your fucking camera bitches around here again, I'll turn you from a rooster to a hen!" He unsheathed his claws. "You got that, shithead?" Stryker fainted. "Well," Logan stared at the camera crew. "You gonna take this piss-mouth outa here, or are ya gonna stand there and undress me with your eyes?"  
  
The crew got to work taking Stryker out of the mansion. "Not the way I would've handled it," said Xavier. "But, if it works."  
  
The rest of the students clapped Logan on the back and told him what a good job they thought he did.  
  
That night, Kelly was in the bedroom Kitty and Rogue shared. They were eating popcorn, painting fingernails and watching TV. Stryker was broadcasting what he filmed earlier that day.   
  
"You listen and you listen good you ****, sawed off son of a ****!" the recorded Logan was saying. In the background Jamie could be heard saying "Kick his **** Logan!" Logan continued to menace Stryker. "Don't you **** come in here, accusin these kids of bein' anything less than what they are- just **** kids tryin' their **** to fit in a world that don't **** them! The last thing they need is some ****head, ****mouthed **** tellin them they're evil!"  
  
"Wait a minute," said Kitty. "He didn't cuss that much!"  
  
If I catch you or any of your..." a long bleep. "...around here again, I'll turn you from a rooster to a hen!" There was a close-up of Logan's claws.  
  
"They're just tryin' to make us look bad." said Rogue.  
  
Puss pawed at the window and gave a small mew. Kelly paused her nail polishing to see what it was. Something was clicking against the window pane. She drew back the curtain. Todd and Lance were tossing pebbles up at the window. Oh, how orriginal. she sarcastically thought. "Hey, mates, your boyfriends are here."  
  
Rogue opened the window. Todd waved at her. "Be right there." she said. Rogue grabbed her satin gloves and red scarf before dashing downstairs.  
  
"Someone's up for a snogfest." Kelly commented. Kitty kept doing her nails as Lance shouted "Kitty! Come down!"  
  
"Kelly," Kitty said non-chalantly. "Tell Lance to go fuck himself."  
  
"I can't! I wish people would stop swearing around me. It's like eating cake in front of a diabetic."  
  
"Kitty!" Lance called.   
  
"She doesn't want to talk to you." Kelly answered. "She wants you to-uh-make love to yourself."  
  
"Goddammit! Tell her it's important!"  
  
"He says it's important."  
  
"Tell him I don't care."  
  
"She doesn't care."  
  
"I'm coming up, then!" Lance started up the trelis.  
  
"He's coming up." said Kelly.  
  
"No!"  
  
Lance clambered in through the window. Puss hissed at him. Man, even the fucking cat doesn't like me! he thought.  
  
"Um, could we have some privacy?" Lance asked Kelly.  
  
"OK." she picked up Puss and started to leave.  
  
"Come back in 5 minutes, Kelly." said Kitty. "That's all I'm giving him."  
  
"Kitty..."  
  
"Five minutes!"  
  
Kelly left. "Look, Kitty, I'm real sorry about the movies."  
  
"Yeah, I've noticed you've been sorry for a lot of things lately, Lance. Lance, I really wanted to see that movie."  
  
"Like I said, I'm sorry. I'll take you tonight if you want."  
  
"Already saw it with some friends, thank you."  
  
"One of these friends wouldn't happen to be blue and furry, would he?"  
  
"What if he was? I got a life outside of you."  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said shaking his head. "I'm acting like a dumbass. From now on, I won't touch you unless you want me too."  
  
"Where have I heard that before?"  
  
"Kitty, you bring out the best in me. And if changing my ways is what I have to do to keep you, I will."  
  
"Oh, really?"  
  
Lance began a song cue to the tune of "I Can Change" from South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut.  
  
LANCE:  
  
Some people say that I'm a bad guy  
  
They may be right, they may be right  
  
But it's not as if I don't try  
  
I just fuck up,  
  
Try as I might  
  
But I can change, I can change!  
  
I can learn to keep my promises I swear it!  
  
I'll open up my heart and I will share it!  
  
Any minute now   
  
I will be born again  
  
Yes, I can change, I can change!  
  
I know I've been a dirty little bastard!  
  
I like to fight, I like to maim  
  
Yes I'm insane, but it's OK  
  
Cuz I can change!  
  
It's not my fault that I'm so evil  
  
It's society, society!  
  
You see, my parents were sometimes abusive  
  
And it made a prick of me!  
  
But I can change, I can change!  
  
I can learn to keep my promises I know it!  
  
I'll open up my heart and I will show it!  
  
Any minute now  
  
I will be born again!  
  
KITTY:  
  
But what if you never change?  
  
What if you remain a sandy little butt hole?  
  
LANCE:  
  
Hey, Kitty, don't be such a twit  
  
Mother Theresa won't have shit on me!  
  
Just watch, just watch me change!  
  
Here I go, I'm changing!  
  
(Lance starts doing some fast Russian style dancing, followed by pirouettes like the ones in the fight sequence, and ending with what can only be called "The Curly Shuffle". Kitty watches and smiles, little hearts dance above her head.)  
  
"Been 5." said Kelly, returning.  
  
"Kelly, Lance and I are going out. See you later."  
  
"Bye, I guess." Kelly found herself alone. She had made friends at the mansion, but Kitty and Rogue had become her favorites. She walked down the hall. She knew her parents were out somewhere with Storm and Logan. She wasn't sure where anyone else was. Maybe she could go bother Jack for a while. It would be fun to catch him smoking weed in their host's house.   
  
"Hey, Kelly." Jubilee met her in the hall. "Lookin' for something?"  
  
"Just something to do. Any clubs in this town?"  
  
Jubilee blew a raspberry and gave thumbs down. "In this town? Nah, you gotta go all the way to New York City for anything cool. C'mon, I'll show you what I do for fun."  
  
Jubilee showed Kelly a room with several monitors showing rooms all around the mansion. "Logan insists on having security cameras everywhere." Jubilee explained. "I come down here every now and then. That's pretty much why I'm the resident gossip queen."  
  
"You really liked the movie Sliver, didn't you?"  
  
Jubilee noticed the monitor showing the kitchen. Kurt materialized in front of the refrigerator and took something out of the freezer. "Hey, that's my Haagen-Dazs! Little creep!"  
  
"Let him have some. How much could he possibly eat?"  
  
"You haven't known Kurt very long, have you?"  
  
"Let him have it anyway. He's probably seen Kitty back with Lance."  
  
"What? She so needs to dump the jerk. Well, Haagen-Dazs is the ice cream of the broken hearted. Let's see what else we have. Scott and Jean in the Danger Room. Dull. Jamie reading comics. Dull. Your brother smoking a cigarette..."  
  
"That's not a cigarette! He is so busted! Can you record this, Jubilee?"  
  
Jubilee slipped in a tape and pressed some buttons. "Done! Now, let's see who's lurking outside. Well, it's our friend Rogue and her gentleman caller." The footage showed them in the rose garden. "And they're either kissing or she's trying to garrot him with that scarf and missing."  
  
"Ooh, does this thing get sound?"  
  
Jubilee turned a dial on the control pannel. They heard the muffled sounds of lips smacking and murmuring. The lovers finally came up for air.   
  
"Todd, do you think we're going to fast?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know." he answered. "This is kinda weird, though. This sorta thing only happens in musical commedies."  
  
"I'd like to finish what we started behind the movie theater."  
  
"Let's see...I believe we were lying down."  
  
"Quick!" said Kelly. "Pan the camera down! And put in another tape while you're at it." Jubilee moved as fast as she could.  
  
"Now, where were we?" Rogue mused as they layed out on the ground. "Oh, yeah, you had your head here," She nestled his head over her chest. "I had one arm around you like this, and I had my other hand about here." She stroked his left thigh. "And you had your hands-well-everywhere."  
  
"Mmm...Marie," he sighed.  
  
"Todd, could you, um, take of your shirt?"  
  
"Say huh now?"  
  
"I've got gloves," she showed him her satin clad hands. "It won't hurt you. I just- I just wanna look."  
  
"OK, but I gotta warn ya, I ain't no beefcake." He took off his shirt.  
  
"Not bad." Jubilee commented as she eagerly watched the monitor. "True, he's no beefcake, not posing for any Ambercombie&Fitch ads any time soon, but not bad. Scale of 1-10, I give him a 6."  
  
"I give him a 5." said Kelly. "I like 'em with a little more hair."  
  
"So," said Todd, trying not to sound as nervous as he felt. "I showed you mine, show me yours."  
  
"Tell ya what, I'll take off the tank and put my see-through back on."  
  
"Well, nothing I haven't seen." Jubilee sighed.   
  
"Omigod! Check out Todd! He's sweatin' bullets!" said Kelly.  
  
"Probably his first strip show."  
  
It is said that emotion can be a powerful and irrational master. And what from what Jubilee and Kelly observed on the monitor, Rogue and Todd were clearly its slaves.  
  
"Tell us about it, Rogue!" the two girls chorused. Rogue did tell them about it- in a song set to "Toucha Toucha Touch Me" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  
  
ROGUE:  
  
I was feelin' done in  
  
Couldn't win  
  
I hardly ever kissed before  
  
KELLY:  
  
You mean she's...  
  
JUBILEE:  
  
Uh-huh.  
  
ROGUE:  
  
Thought it was no use complaining  
  
Of no touch obtaining  
  
It only leads to trouble and mind draining  
  
Now all I want to know   
  
Is how to go  
  
I've tasted blood and I want more  
  
KELLY & JUBILEE:  
  
More! More! More!  
  
ROGUE:  
  
I'll put up no resistance  
  
I want to stay the distance  
  
I've got an itch to scratch  
  
I need assistance!  
  
Toucha toucha touch me!  
  
I wanna feel dirty!  
  
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me,  
  
Creature of the night!  
  
And if anything grows  
  
KELLY(Whispered)  
  
Oh, it will.  
  
ROGUE:  
  
While you pose  
  
I'll oil you up and rub you down  
  
KELLY & JUBILEE:  
  
Down! Down! Down!  
  
ROGUE:  
  
And that's just one small fraction  
  
JUBILEE(whispered)  
  
1/69th  
  
ROGUE:  
  
Of the main attraction.  
  
You need a friendly hand  
  
I want action!  
  
(If you've seen RHPS, You know what's going on.)  
  
Toucha toucha touch me!  
  
I wanna feel dirty!  
  
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me!  
  
Creature of the night!  
  
KELLY:  
  
Toucha toucha touch me!  
  
JUBILEE:  
  
I want to feel dirty.  
  
KELLY:  
  
Thrill me, chill me fulfill me!  
  
JUBILEE:  
  
Creature of the night!  
  
ROGUE:  
  
Toucha toucha touch me!  
  
Oh, I wanna feel dirty!  
  
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me,  
  
Creature of the niiiight!  
  
TODD:  
  
Creature of the night!  
  
XAVIER(Where'd he come from?)  
  
Creature of the night.  
  
JUBILEE:  
  
Creature of the night!  
  
KURT (Mouth full of ice cream)  
  
creesha o du nite  
  
KITTY:  
  
Creature of the night?  
  
KELLY:  
  
Creature of the niiiight!  
  
TODD:  
  
Creature of the night!  
  
ROGUE:  
  
Creature of the night!  
  
The next day everyone was to meet in the danger room. "Forget it!" said Kelly from behind the door. "I'm not gonna let anyone see me wearing this!"  
  
"Kelly, it ain't that bad." Rogue assured her.  
  
Kelly came out in her uniform. It was black with hot pink piping. While Kelly wasn't exactly fat, her waist was a bit thick and her thighs were rather hefty. The spandex hid nothing."I might as well be naked." she grumbled.  
  
"Say, that's an idea!" said Kurt. "Hey, Logan, could we have a naked training session some time?"  
  
"In your dreams, Bub." he answered.  
  
"Seriously, Kelly," said Kurt. "You look great."  
  
"I look fat." she said softly.  
  
"Fat? Nein! You are- voluptuous."  
  
"I bet you say that to all the girls."  
  
"Stop flirtin' and get ta fightin'!" Logan demanded.  
  
Kelly narrowly dodged a laser. "Shit!" she yelped. A barrier started to topple onto her. "Oh fuck!" It disintigrated.  
  
"So, how bad was I, Professor?" Kelly asked after the session.  
  
"Let's not be so negative, Kelly." he said gently. "Your power is quite useful in combat. You just need to learn to focus it. I also have a theory on how your mutation works. I've noticed your father speaks with a stammer on occasion."  
  
"Yeah. Says he fried his brains on drugs back in the 70's."  
  
"At any rate, he doesn't stammer when he sings or swears. Now, when people who stammer sing there is no stammer because the action of singing is controlled by the right side of the brain whereas the lobe that controls speech is located in the left side of the brain. It can be said that using swear words is a right-brained action because of the intense emotion behind it. Your mutation takes all the energy built up in your brain when you use swear words and forces it out of your body and onto anything that happens to be in the way. Do you understand?"  
  
"Not really."   
  
"Neither do I. Now, then, I've thought of an appropriate codename for you. How does 'Foulmouth' sound?"  
  
"Like a good excuse to use Scope, but I'll take it."  
  
"Alright, people," Logan said to his students. "That training session prooves that you all need work." Everyone groaned. "Now don't start gripin'. With assholes like Stryker, ya gotta be prepared. Summers, suppose I was Stryker." He grabbed the boy's shoulder. "Hey, you!"  
  
"Who, me, Reverend Stryker?" he said in false innocence.  
  
"Give me one good reason not to turn you in, you heathen!"   
  
Scott began a song cue to the tune of "Gee, Officer Krupke" from West Side Story.  
  
SCOTT:  
  
Dear kindly Reverend Stryker  
  
Our kind is here to stay  
  
If you're not a mutant liker  
  
Then I guess this ain't your day  
  
We all have super powers  
  
Our DNA's all wrong  
  
Golly Moses, can't we get along?  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
Gee, Reverend Stryker, we're all in a snit  
  
'Cuz of prejudiced folks who see us and pitch a fit  
  
We ain't no delinquints  
  
We're misunderstood  
  
Deep down inside us there is good!  
  
SCOTT:  
  
There is good  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
There is good, there is good  
  
There is untapped good!  
  
Like inside the worst of us is good!  
  
LOGAN:(spoken)  
  
Aw, what a touchin' story.  
  
SCOTT:(Spoken)  
  
Let me tell it to the world!  
  
LOGAN(Smacks him.)  
  
Just tell it to the judge!  
  
SCOTT:(spoken)  
  
What judge?  
  
JUBILEE(Draping a dark cloak over Rogue's shoulders)  
  
Here come the judge!  
  
(Rogue is given a hammer and a make-shift bench. Scott is "sworn in" with a dictionary.)  
  
SCOTT:  
  
Dear kindly Judge, Your Honor,  
  
The cops don't treat me great  
  
I feel like I'm John Conner  
  
It's me they terminate!  
  
They're all a buncha haters  
  
I hope it's just a fad  
  
Leapin' Lizards! That's why I'm so bad!  
  
ROGUE:  
  
Right! (Bangs her "gavel", pretending to be a judge)  
  
Reverend Stryker, you're really a beast  
  
This boy don't need a judge, he needs to see a priest!  
  
Take him there at once, that is my behest  
  
He's demonically posessed!  
  
SCOTT:  
  
I'm posessed!  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
We're posessed, we're posessed  
  
We're the most posessed,  
  
Like we're demonically posessed!  
  
ROGUE:(Spoken)  
  
In the opinion of this court, this child's angst has made him open to the influence of demons.  
  
SSOTT:(Spoken)  
  
Hey, I'm posessed on account I'm depressed!  
  
ROGUE(Smacks him)  
  
So take him to an exorcist.  
  
SCOTT:(Spoken)  
  
Which way?  
  
KURT:(Spoken)  
  
This way!  
  
(Kurt takes on the guise of a priest. He makes a cross out of the hammer and a crowbar. Jean uses her TK to make it look like Scott is floating in midair. Think Linda Blair)  
  
SCOTT:  
  
My bed is always shaking  
  
(Demonic voice) Dude, you're getting a Dell  
  
How long will this be taking?  
  
(Demonic voice) Your mom sucks cock in Hell!  
  
Demons are inside me  
  
My vomit is pea green  
  
(Demonic voice) Goodness gracious, that's why I'm so mean!  
  
KURT:  
  
Ja! Reverend Stryker, I really am pissed  
  
This boy don't need a priest, just a mad scientist  
  
He'd do us a service layed out on the slab  
  
Now let's take him to the lab!  
  
SCOTT (Nervous)  
  
To the lab?  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
To the lab, to the lab  
  
To the lab, lab, lab  
  
To the experimental lab!  
  
KURT(Spoken)  
  
In my opinion, this boy isn't posessed at all. He just needs his head examined. Bring out the hack saw!  
  
SCOTT(Spoken)  
  
Hey, waita..(The others tie him down)  
  
KURT(Spoken)  
  
Bring on the mad scientist!  
  
(Jean is given a lab coat)  
  
SCOTT:  
  
Dear kindly mad scientist  
  
Vivasection ain't my game  
  
It's just not high on my list  
  
In fact it's kinda lame  
  
It's not I'm anti-science,  
  
I'm only anti-pain  
  
Gloryosky! That's why I'm insane!  
  
JEAN:(Smacks Scott around as she sings)  
  
Eek! Reverend Stryker, the hell's wrong with you?  
  
This boy shouldn't be here, he belongs in a zoo!  
  
It ain't just a question of misunderstood  
  
Deep down inside him, he's no good!  
  
SCOTT:  
  
I'm no good!  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
We're no good, we're no good  
  
We're no earthly good  
  
Like the best of us is no damn good!  
  
(Each one smacks Scott after their line)  
  
ROGUE:  
  
The trouble is he's crazy  
  
KURT:  
  
The trouble is he thinks  
  
JEAN:  
  
The trouble is he's lazy  
  
JUBILEE:  
  
The trouble is he stinks!  
  
JAMIE:  
  
The trouble is he's different  
  
BOBBY:  
  
The trouble is he's free  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
Stryker, why can't you just let us be?  
  
Gee, Reverend Stryker,  
  
We're down on our knees  
  
We're chompin' on an angst burger with extra cheese  
  
Gee, Reverend Stryker,  
  
What are we to do?  
  
Gee, Reverend Stryker,  
  
Strike You!  
  
"Mum, Dad." Kelly said to her parents. "I caught Jack doing something on video last night. You might wanna watch this with him. I don't want him calling me a snitch, so I'd probably better go."  
  
"We understand, dear." said Sharon.  
  
Rogue showered and changed into an ensamble she called "Black Widdow". It was mostly black with splashes of scarlet. "Where ya goin'?" asked Jubilee.  
  
"Nowhere." she lied.  
  
"She's got her smoochy scarf!" Kelly teased.  
  
"Shut up!" She left.  
  
"Hey, Kelly," Jubilee whispered. "Let's watch that video of them getting it on!"  
  
"They kept most of their clothes on." said Kelly. "It was really just a lot of snogging and groping."  
  
"It's still pretty cool! Kinda romantic-moonlight and roses. Pop the video in."  
  
Kelly put the video in the VCR. An image of Jack smoking a joint appeared on the screen. "Uh-oh." said Kelly.  
  
"This means you gave your parents the..." They both dashed out of the room.  
  
Rogue showed up at the Boarding House. Todd welcomed her with a long embrace. "We're alone," he said. "Mostly."  
  
"Mostly?"  
  
"I got rid of Fred by tellin' him they were having an all you can eat special at Hungry Bob's House O' Bratwurst. I told Lance Kitty wanted to meet him at the park. I told Pietro Wanda wanted to talk to him, so of course he left. Wanda just doesn't like being alone in the house with me, so she left. What can I say?" he shrugged. "She had her chance and she blew it."  
  
"Todd, they are all gonna kill you when they find out you lied."  
  
"I'd risk an ass whoppin' anytime for you, babe."  
  
"I really enjoyed last night."  
  
"So did I. Wanna watch a movie or something?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Todd looked through his video collection. Let's see...gore, gore, gore, Chris Farley, gore, Animaniacs, porno, gore... Don't I have anything romantic? OK, Beetlejuice it is.  
  
"I think that girl is Rogue." said Sharon, watching the tape. "But that boy isn't Jack."  
  
"I-if it was," said Ozzy. "I'd say more power to him."  
  
"Ozzy!" she smacked his arm. "The idea of Kelly playing 'Doctors and Nursies' upsets you but Jack dry humping some girl in the rose garden that he just met doesn't?"  
  
"It's called a double standerd, Sharon. It's there for a reason."  
  
"Well, I don't know why you wanted me to see this." said Jack. "It's the lamest porn I've ever seen."  
  
"And just where have you seen porn, young man?" Sharon demanded.   
  
Jubilee and Kelly raced in. "Mum, Dad," said Kelly. "I'm sorry, I gave you the wrong tape."  
  
"Here's the right one." said Jubilee.  
  
"Yeah, fuck with our heads some more." said Jack. "You're not gonna fall for this again, are you?" he asked his parents.  
  
Kurt 'ported in. "Kelly, Logan wants to see..." He saw the video, still playing. It's the dim lighting. he told himself. It's not what it looks like. "Oh, faster, Todd," Rogue's recorded voice panted. It was exactly what he thought it was. "Excuse me, I have to go murder a toad." Kelly grabbed for Kurt and found herself 'ported on the front porch with him. "Stay here, Kelly." he said. "I need to take care of this alone."  
  
"Kurt, try taking a deep breath and think for a moment." said Kelly.  
  
"I think Toad was violating my sister!"  
  
"Kurt, if he was 'violating' her she would've said no. I heard her say 'yes' several times, very loudly."  
  
With a sulpherous puff of smoke and a 'bamf!" Kurt was gone.  
  
When Wanda came back to the house the first thing she heard was Harry Bellafonte's "Jump in the Line" and what sounded like muffled kissing from the couch. A woman's stockinged foot was propped on the back, the toes curling in pleasure. So, Lance is back with Kitty, Hmmm? She thought up an evil prank. She went outside and filled an old bucket with water from the hose. She slipped back in the house. They were still making out to "Jump in the Line."  
  
"Shake your body, child!" Wanda shouted as she dumped water on... "Rogue? Todd? But, but I thought..."  
  
"Wanda," Todd sighed as he rang out his shirt. "You had your chance, OK? This isn't how I wanted you to find out, but..."  
  
"Don't flatter yourself! I thought you were Lance and Kitty!"  
  
Pietro returned. "HeyToddisWandastillhereohIguesssheis."  
  
Pietro answered a knock at the door. "I'm here for my sister." Kurt demanded as he stepped inside.  
  
"Kurt, let me explain." said Rogue.  
  
"Rogue, why are you sopping wet? No, wait, on second thought, I don't want to know!"  
  
"I am going to my room." Wanda said boredly as she stalked out.   
  
"Todd, sugar," said Rogue. "You mind if I talk to my brother alone?"  
  
"No problem, babe."  
  
"Babe?" asked Kurt. "Sugar?"  
  
As Rogue tried to explain things, Todd and Pietro went out to the front yard. Furball won't hurt her. Todd reminded himself. He might yell at her. She'll just yell back. They're yelling now. Ah, reminds me of home.  
  
"Great idea, man." said Pietro. "Wish I thought of it."  
  
"Huh?" Todd had no idea what he was talking about.  
  
"Pretending to like Rogue so she'd rejoin the Brotherhood. Your idea or Mystique's?"  
  
"Who said anything about pretending?"  
  
"Seriously, Todd, I've been there. Just like me, you're gonna get sick of that mopey bitch who can't even..." Pietro found himself on the ground, air knocked out of him, clutching his stomache. Todd was kneeling on his chest, punching the taller boy's face. Pietro cursed the spiked wrist bands Todd always wore.  
  
"Don't EVER call her that!"   
  
"The fuck's wrong with you?" Pietro shoved Todd off him and started punching back.  
  
Rogue and Kurt paused their discussion when they heard the fight outside.   
  
"Pietro, get the hell off him now!" Rogue demanded. Pietro was covered in slime and had cuts on his face. Todd was covered in bruises from Pietro's super-rapid punches.  
  
"Look what he did to my face!" whined Pietro.   
  
"Fuck your face!" said Todd. "You ever call Rogue a bitch again and I'll..."  
  
"Wait," said Rogue. "You started fighting because Pietro called me a bitch?"  
  
"How romantic." Kurt said ironically.  
  
"Man, I'm gonna kill that little toad!" said Lance as he drove home, Blob riding shotgun. "Waited two fucking hours and she never showed."  
  
"Hungry Bob's wasn't even open!" Blob whined.   
  
"Well, we're back. We can teach the twerp a lesson. Whoa, looks like Pietro beat us to it. What are the two X-geeks doing here?" They got out of the jeep. "Tolensky! What the fuck's wrong with you?" Blob flexed his knuckles.  
  
Rogue whipped off her gloves and stood in front of her boyfriend. "You want him? You gotta get through me!"  
  
"You gotta get through me too." Kurt stood by Rogue.  
  
"Kurt?" Todd couldn't hide his surprise.  
  
"If you make my sister happy, then I guess you're not completly bad."  
  
"FREE FOR ALL!" shouted Blob.  
  
"Oh, shut the fuck up, the lot of you!" Everyone froze in place and turned to see Sharon Osbourne with the rest of her family and the X-Men.  
  
"Woman after my own heart." Wolverine said approvingly.  
  
"Now listen!" said Sharon. "The reason why we're here is Mr. Xavier was just alerted by his insider that Reverend Stryker is going to return, and this time he won't be quite so nice! I know you blokes call yourselves Brothership or something."  
  
"Brotherhood." Lance corrected.  
  
"Whatever. And we know you're not exactly chums with the X-Men, but you've got a common foe, like it or not. Now, stop this silly bickering and try to be friends!"  
  
"With all due respect, Mrs. Osbourne," said Cyclops. "This just isn't gonna happen."  
  
"For once," said Lance. "I agree with Four-eyes."  
  
"Oh, just hear me out!" Sharon demanded and went into her song cue. It was set to "The Farmer and the Cowman" from Oklahoma.  
  
SHARON:  
  
Brotherhood and the X-Men should be friends  
  
Oh, Brotherhood and X-Men should be friends  
  
One group wants to live in peace  
  
The other wants to bust some knees  
  
But that's no reason why they can't be friends!  
  
(Lance and Scott look like they're going to fight. Sharon gets between them)  
  
Mutant folks should stick together  
  
Mutant folks should all be pals  
  
You can fight Stryker side by side  
  
Brothers dance with the X-Men gals!  
  
(For some reason, an impromptu square dance starts. Rogue pairs with Todd. Pietro pairs with Storm. Lance pairs with Kitty_Kurt is clearly unhappy. Blob pairs with Jean_Scott is unhappy, Jean is really unhappy. Sharon claps her hands as they dance.)  
  
I'd like to say a word for Brotherhood  
  
They may be punks who cause only trouble  
  
They may be punks who start a lot of fights  
  
Need an arse kicked? They'll be here on the double!  
  
Brotherhood and the X-Men should be friends  
  
Oh. Brotherhood and the X-Men should be friends  
  
Brotherhood's house is falling apart  
  
The X-Men only want a fresh start  
  
But that's no reason why they can't be friends!  
  
ALL:  
  
Mutant folks should stick together  
  
Mutant folks should all be pals  
  
We can fight Stryker side by side  
  
Brothers dance with the X-Men gals!  
  
SHARON:  
  
I'd like to teach you all a little saying  
  
And learn the words the way you should  
  
I don't say I'm no better than anybody else  
  
But I'll be damned if I ain't just as good!  
  
ALL:  
  
I don't say I'm no better than anybody else  
  
But I'll be damned if I ain't just as good!  
  
Mutant folks should stick together  
  
Mutant folks should all be pals  
  
We will fight Stryker side by side  
  
Brothers dance with the X-Man gals!  
  
"Wow, I can't believe it!" said Scott at the end of the song. "All our misgivings and preconceived notions about each other were put behind us with a single song and dance number. That kinda thing only happens in musical commedies."  
  
Meanwhile, Stryker was only yards away hidden in the woods with his supporters. He had called in a favor from Buck Nystul of the Bayville Militia. Nystul had brought his militia, they brought the guns and beer.  
  
"My brethern," Stryker said to his followers. "I give you our allies Buck Nystul and the Bayville Militia!"  
  
Nystul introduced himself by starting a song cue to the tune of "This Jesus Must Die" from Jesus Christ Superstar.  
  
NYSTUL:  
  
William Stryker, my people wait for you  
  
The militia and choir are here for you  
  
STRYKER:  
  
Ah, gentlemen, you know why we are here  
  
We've not much time, and quite a problem here  
  
MUTANTS(from a distance):  
  
Mutant folk should stick together!  
  
Mutant folk should stick together!   
  
Mutant folk should stick together!  
  
Mutant folk should stick together!  
  
STRYKER:  
  
Listen to that howling mob, who knows what they will do?  
  
I'll be out of a job if evolution proves to be true  
  
ALL:  
  
They are dangerous!  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
We will fight side by side!  
  
ALL:  
  
They are dangerous!  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
Brotherhood and X-Men should be friends!  
  
NYSTUL:  
  
The mutants have pledged to give each other support  
  
A rabble rousing mission that I think we must abort  
  
ALL:  
  
They are dangerous!  
  
MUTANTS:  
  
We will fight side by side!  
  
ALL:  
  
They are dangerous!  
  
CHOIR MEMEBER #1:  
  
Look now, Stryker, they're square dancing with glee!  
  
CHOIR MEMBER #2:  
  
Quick now, Stryker, go call the BPD.  
  
STRYKER:  
  
No, wait! We need a more permanent solution to our problem.  
  
NYSTUL:  
  
What then to do about Xavier's mutants?  
  
Nature's mistakes, heros of fools  
  
No riots, no army, no fighting no slogans  
  
CHOIR MEMBER #3:  
  
One thing I'll say for them- mutants are cool  
  
NYSTUL:  
  
We dare not leave them to their own devices  
  
These half-witted kids will get out of control  
  
CHOIR:  
  
But how can we stop them? Their glamour increases  
  
By leaps every moment; they're all on a roll  
  
STRYKER:  
  
I see bad things arising  
  
If evolution's true, our race will hit the skids  
  
I see blood and destuction  
  
Our elimination because of these kids  
  
Blood and destruction because of these kids  
  
ALL:  
  
Because, because, because of these kids  
  
STRYKER:  
  
Our elimination because of these kids  
  
All:  
  
Because, because, because of these kids!  
  
NYSTUL:  
  
What then to do about this mutant mania?  
  
Now how do we deal with this teen mutant pack?  
  
MILITIA:  
  
Where do we start with kids who are more numerous  
  
Than roaches, and roaches always come back  
  
STRYKER:  
  
Fools, you have no perception!  
  
The stakes we are gambling are frighteningly high!  
  
We must crush them completly,  
  
Like common cockroaches, these mutants must die.  
  
For the sake of the nation, these mutants must die!  
  
ALL:  
  
Must die, must die, these mutants must die!  
  
STRYKER:  
  
Like common cockroaches, these mutants must die!  
  
ALL:  
  
Must die, must die, these mutants must, mutants must, mutants must die!   
  
"Look!" shouted Jamie, pointing to the militants coming over the rise. "There they are!"  
  
"OK, kids," said Logan. "Battle positions, just like we practiced."  
  
"Guess that goes for us too." said Lance.  
  
"Mum, Dad, Jack." said Kelly. "Go in the house. I don't want you getting hurt."  
  
"Oh, fuck that!" Jack said, cocking his ever present rifle and affixing a bayonette. "Maybe I don't have super powers, but I have a gun and I'm pissed off! I'm an ass kicking fat kid!"  
  
Sharon went in the house but quickly returned. "Well, looky what we have here!" She brought out a moldy ham she found in the refrigerator.  
  
"Wondered where I put that." said Fred.  
  
"There's a veritable arsonal in the chaps' fridge. I know what I'm gonna do."  
  
"W-what should I do, Sharon?" asked Ozzy.  
  
"Why don't you sing an uplifting fight song, Love?"  
  
"Yeah, I could do that! Rock and Rooooooooolll!" The mutants went into battle against Stryker's army. "Ai! Ai! Ai!" Ozzy began to sing "Crazy Train"  
  
OZZY:  
  
Crazy, but that's how it goes  
  
(Wolverine whips out the claws and disarms several militia men.)  
  
Millions of people living as foes  
  
(Blob tackles a couple of militia men)  
  
Maybe it's not to late  
  
To learn how to love   
  
And forget how to hate  
  
(Todd leaps into the fray, sliming the enemy left and right. One sneaks up behind him and is going to shoot him at point blank range! Rogue grabs the man from behind and drains him. They smile at each other a moment, then she picks up the fallen man's gun and they head back into battle)  
  
Mental wounds not healing  
  
(Scott stuns a few with his optic blast. Jean makes a few hover in the air.)  
  
Life's a bitter shame  
  
(Sharon throws rotted food at the militia.)  
  
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train  
  
(Jack is going nuts! He loves a good fight.)  
  
I've listened to preachers  
  
I've listened to fools  
  
(Stryker has chickened out and tries to run from the fight. Lance has other ideas.)  
  
I've watched all the dropouts  
  
Who make their own rules  
  
(Lance makes the ground shake, Stryker falls on his ass!)  
  
One person conditioned to rule and contol  
  
(Jubilee sends a blast of sparks at Stryker)  
  
The media sells it and you live the role  
  
(Stryker struggles to his feet and tries to run. Kurt 'ports infront of him and puts him in a judo roll)  
  
Mental wounds still screaming  
  
Driving me insane  
  
(Both Wolverine and Jack have gone berserker.)  
  
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train  
  
(One of the militia attacks Kitty. She goes intangible and karate chops him.)  
  
I know things are going wrong for me.  
  
(Nystul goes after Jamie, who splits off into 4, confusing him.)  
  
You gotta listen to my words, Yeah!  
  
(Pietro races around Nystul, tripping him and stripping him of all weapons before he can blink. Jamie gives him a thumbs up. Pietro smiles and ruffles the boy's hair. The mall incident is forgiven.)  
  
Heirs of the cold war  
  
That's what we've become.  
  
(Todd and Rogue fight back to back. A militia man grabs Kitty from behind, surprizing her. Kurt 'ports onto the man's back and sinks his fangs into the back of his neck. Kitty gets away.)  
  
Inheriting troubles I'm mentally numb  
  
(Kelly curses at some militia men. Their guns blow up in their hands.)  
  
Crazy, I just cannot bear  
  
(Rahne becomes a wolf and starts biting some asses)  
  
I'm living with something that just isn't fair  
  
(The mutants fight with gusto. The militia seems to have lost their morale.)  
  
Mental wounds not healing  
  
Who and what's to blame  
  
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train  
  
Going off the rails on a crazy train!  
  
Later that evening, the battle was described to Professor Xavier. "One thing I don't understand, Professor." Jubilee said as she and Kitty did their nails. "Where is your informant now?"  
  
"You're soaking in him." Suddenly, the cutical treatment Jubilee had been soaking her nails in sprung to life. The fluid took on the from of a man and gave Jubilee a wink.   
  
"Eeew!" Jubilee shrieked.  
  
In the drawing room, Rogue sat on the sill of a giant picture window facing the sunset. Toad sat with her, his back against her front, eyes contentedly closed as she played with his hair. Kurt and Kelly had the couch.  
  
"Kelly," he said. "I was wondering, would you-ah- like to go out with me?"  
  
"Kurt," she sighed. "I"m afraid I'm going to have to say no." He looked crestfallen. "Believe me, it's not because I don't like you. You're the kind of boy I should be bringing home to meet Dad. It's just...you and I both know your heart belongs to Kitty. Even if she doesn't. If we started dating, I'd be just a Kitty substitute. It wouldn't be fair to either of us."  
  
"I-I think I understand." He couldn't help being a little envious of Todd at the moment.  
  
"I was wrong when I said you should forget her. Lance is all wrong for her. You go get her, Fuzzy!" She leaned forward and gave him a peck on his cheekbone. Kurt blushed under his fur. "At the risk of sounding horridly cliched, can we just be friends?"  
  
"Ja, friends." he smiled.  
  
"Are you sure you don't want to stay?" Rogue whispered to her boyfriend.  
  
"We both know it wouldn't work, Marie." he sighed. "You saw what happened with Lance."  
  
"Todd, if anyone here gave you trouble I'd beat the snot out of them. You know that."  
  
"Maybe I could stay. The truth is, I'd run through Hell and back for you, Marie."  
  
"But I wouldn't want you to." She kissed the top of his head. "You're welcome here anytime. My bedroom window will always be open for you."  
  
"B-b-bedroom?"  
  
"I figure it might be more comfortable than the concrete out in the rose garden. We can...Todd?" He had passed out in her arms. She shifted him into a sitting position, head between the knees. God, I love him. she thought.   
  
The scene melted away. They were back in the X-Mansion from the very first scene in the story that had been turned into a nightclub for all the rabid X-Man fans. "So, where are your troubles now?" asked Kurt. "All gone!"  
  
"And that's how I joined the X-Men!" said Kelly.  
  
"Auf Weidersein," sang Kurt. "Aurivoir..."  
  
"Wait a minute," said Logan. "We can't end now! We've gotta have a big finish!"  
  
"Can I take off this dress?" asked Lance.  
  
"Can I take off this god-awful contraption?" Rogue spoke of the corset she was forced to wear.  
  
"Can I watch her take off that god-awful contraption?" asked Todd.  
  
"No!" said Logan. "Everyone get into place. This number is set to the tune of 'Do You Hear the People Sing?' from Les Miserables."  
  
"Man," groaned Todd. "Whoever wrote this sure likes Les Miz."  
  
STORM:  
  
Did you hear the mutants sing?  
  
Say, did you hear them sing off key?  
  
LOGAN:  
  
It is the music of some mutants  
  
In a musical parody  
  
KURT:  
  
Was the plotline really lame?  
  
Say, did you get the inside jokes?  
  
SHARON & OZZY:  
  
Can't believe we let Kelly stay  
  
With these X-Men blokes!  
  
KELLY:  
  
I will learn to use my powers  
  
And my codename is Foulmouth  
  
ROGUE:  
  
I got myself a boyfriend(Hugs Todd)  
  
That I'll never do without  
  
TODD:  
  
I have learned how to love  
  
And I know what life is about!  
  
SCOTT:  
  
Kelly joined in our crusade  
  
Don't confuse her with the principal  
  
JEAN:  
  
Will any of us get paid  
  
For being in this musical?  
  
LANCE:  
  
At least we got the words to rhyme  
  
and more or less kept the beat  
  
FRED:  
  
Now we're outta time  
  
Let's get something to eat!  
  
JUBILEE:  
  
Will you practice safe sex?  
  
Will you spill the details to me?  
  
KITTY:  
  
I'll admit I'm still kinda vexed  
  
That I fell out of that tree  
  
JACK:  
  
I got busted for smoking pot  
  
It looks like Kelly made some friends  
  
ALL:  
  
We liked doing this thing a lot  
  
But now it must end  
  
Now it must end!  
  
As the company hit the final note, a trap door in the ceiling opened, showering the audience with red, white and blue balloons and confetti. The audience cheered wildly. Balloons popped in the standing ovation. Each person who was part of the musical stepped forward and took a gracious bow. Applause and rausious cries filled the air. The entire company joined hands and took a group bow. Suddenly, the door slammed open. Everyone turned to see the silhouette of a man in a wheelchair.  
  
"What the hell is going on?" Xavier demanded as he purposely wheeled down the aisle. "What have you done to the mansion? Who is responsible for this mess? Confetti everywhere, chairs and tables like this is some kind of caberet! Everyone out! Get the hell out!" The X-Man fans quickly took the good Professor's advice.  
  
"Y'all come back now, ya hear!" Rogue called to them.  
  
fin  
  
credits: Hercules belongs to Alan Menken and David Zippel. West Side Story belongs to Stephen Soundheim and Leonard Bernstein. "Marie" belongs to Irving Berlin. Chicago belongs to John Kander and Fred Ebb. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas belongs to Carol Hall. South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut belongs to Matt Parker and Trey Stone. The Rocky Horror Picture Show belongs to Lou Adler and Michael White. Oklahoma belongs to Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein II. Jesus Christ, Superstar belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice."Crazy Train" belongs to Ozzy Osbourne. "Jump in the Line" belongs to Harry Bellafonte. Les Miserables belongs to Alain Boublil, Claude-Michel Schonberg and Herbert Kretzmer. 


End file.
